Looking at my early rankings (bottom of post) for Late-Night Boredom ("LNB") Reviews, I noticed that I've been pretty generous thus far. A few of those who know me best -- Jimmy Kelly, Sam Ytuarte and Andrew Meyer -- feel as if I'm becoming lenient in my old age, so Volume III is going to be dedicated to three awful movies. Let's get to it...
THE PROGRAM (1993)
I had high hopes for this one, coming as a long-time recommendation by Steven Summer (though he only watches about two movies per year) with David S. Ward at the helm, who famously directed the first two films of the Major League franchise. If I ever finish my Favorite 115 Movies of All Time post -- I've been chipping away at it for about a year and a half now -- you'll surely be seeing both Major League I and II in there.
Alas, The Program failed to deliver on my expectations. The film was horribly edited by the combo of Kimberly Ray (White Men Can't Jump, Dude, Where's My Car?) and Paul Seydor (Tin Cup, The Island) resulting in extremely thin storylines, particularly in regards to the primary romances and screen time of head coach Sam Winters (an underused James Caan).
The casting by Lynn Stalmaster (Weekend At Bernie's, Battlefield Earth) was also a disaster. A film about a college football team led by a handful of eclectic characters has to have a charismatic starting quarterback. What good is a sports movie without magnetic star players? We know what Charlie Sheen did for Major League, and Jamie Foxx for Any Given Sunday, but The Program falls flat on its face with Craig Sheffer calling the signals as Heisman hopeful Joe Kane.
Who? Yeah, Craig Sheffer, the star of Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal and Dracula II: Ascension. This guy has so little charisma they could have substituted a long, wooden plank and no one would have noticed the difference. That means his "romance" with Camille (Kristy Swanson, who at the time was considered an up-and-comer) falls completely flat, and we can't even understand why his teammates rally around him.
Omar Epps (flashy running back Darnell Jefferson) and Halle Berry (Autumn) fare a bit better in their attempt at romance, but we still don't care if they end up together. In general, Epps is an entertaining performer, but on the whole, the primary characters of The Program are cardboard cutouts.
The football scenes are fine if unspectacular, and Duane Davis (as the doomed Alvin Mack) and Andrew Bryniarski (as the roided up Steve Lattimer) bring energy to their supporting roles as maniacal defensive players. Those two wackos save The Program from a 1 or 2 rating, but all aspects considered, it's a mess of a sports movie.
** JOHNNY FRO'S RATING: 3 out of 10 **
RINGS (2017)
Most of us hate seemingly-endless exposition, right? Rings tries to open with a high-energy hook -- which turns out to have little to do with anything else -- but even that feels like a half-assed attempt at entertainment. After the opening plane scene, Rings takes about 45 minutes to go anywhere, and when it finally gets to where it wants to go, we definitely don't care. At all. Not even a little. That goes for the story and the characters.
Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz (seriously? That's how she wants her name listed on IMDb?) and Alex Roe are the "stars" of this poor excuse for a film, and that pretty much says it all. I'm not going to place ALL of the blame on the actors because this is a horribly written screenplay by the trio of David Loucka, Jacob Estes and Akiva Goldsman, but Lutz and Roe do nothing to get us invested in their characters.
Rings seems like it was a doomed project from the start, but sometimes strong performances can cover up some of a film's potentially-fatal flaws. Think of what Meryl Streep did for a vanilla movie like The Devil Wears Prada or Forest Whitaker in The Last King of Scotland. Sometimes performances ARE the movie. Take away a lead who is fully committed to their role and the entire film collapses on itself. Well, if you took Lutz and Roe away, Rings might actually improve. Who knows.
Johnny Galecki is CLEARLY the standout of this abnormally tepid "horror" flick, though his character (Gabriel) isn't written with much clarity. What are his intentions, exactly? Regardless, Galecki plays his silly role with a sort of sinister detachment. He's definitely the most interesting thing on the screen 1 hour and 42 minutes of nothingness.
Jen, the soon-to-be Mrs. Frascella, has gotten me into horror movies in the past few years, and I appreciate that because superhero flicks and ridiculous franchises have taken our movie industry hostage. I can't take anymore flying mutants, car chases or explosions. I was always afraid of scary movies growing up, so it's nice to discover a new genre. I've been pleasantly surprised by films like The Cabin in the Woods, Paranormal Activity, Sinister and Ouija: Origin of Evil, but Rings isn't suspenseful, scary or interesting. It's a total dud.
I like some of the film's concluding reveal sequence, so I'll give it a half-point for that. I don't have to bother saying don't waste your time, but...don't waste your time.
** JOHNNY FRO'S RATING: 1.5 out of 10 **
As I begin my review of this atrocity, my mind immediately jumps to A Few Good Men. Yes, Mother's Day is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, while A Few Good Men is one of my all-time favorites, but I promise there is a connection.
When "The Apostle" Lt. Jonathan Kendrick (a seething Kiefer Sutherland) is on the stand, he sugarcoats the lackluster performance of Pfc. William Santiago (Michael DeLorenzo), who dies in the opening scene of the film. When Lt. Daniel Kaffee (the incomparably charismatic Tom Cruise) asks why he contradicted the details of his written report, Kendrick responds, "I did not see the need to trample on a man's grave."
With that in mind, director Garry Marshall died in July of 2016 of complications from pneumonia after a stroke. He was best known for rom-com hits like Overboard, The Princess Diaries and of course, his masterpiece Pretty Woman. So, I don't want to trample on a man's grave, but I also have to be honest:
Mother's Day is an overlong, under-plotted, disjointed failure of a film. This on the heels of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve, Marshall's preceding commercial holiday movies jam-packed with recognizable names and faces. Valentine's Day was bearable, New Year's Eve was horrendous and Mother's Day is even worse than that.
Jen and I decided to watch it one lazy evening because, well, how can you screw up a movie with Julia Roberts, Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson? Give them the tiniest shred of decent material and Roberts will mesmerize, Aniston will charm and Hudson will entertain. None of that happens in Mother's Day. The script from Anya Kochoff, Matthew Walker and Tom Hines is THAT bad. Unfunny, disorganized and incoherent. The direction isn't any better.
As an aside, I was watching Scrubs yesterday and marveling at Sarah Chalke's (Dr. Elliot Reid) sneakily seductive acting style. I didn't particularly care for the way her character was written on How I Met Your Mother -- one of my favorite all-time shows -- but her acting was again high-caliber. So when I looked her up on IMDb to see what she's been up to lately, I COMPLETELY FORGOT that she was in Mother's Day.
A movie that wastes a deep talent pool is rarely, if ever, a good one.
** FRO'S RATING: 2 out of 10 **
LNB's Updated Rankings:
1. A Perfect Murder (9/10)
2. Bad Moms (9/10)
3. The Revenant (8.5/10)
4. The Shallows (7.5/10)
5. The Night Before (7/10)
6. 10 Cloverfield Lane (7/10)
7. The Walk (7/10)
8. Joy (5.5/10)
9. The Program (3/10)
10. Mother's Day (2/10)
11. Rings (1.5/10)
9. The Program (3/10)
10. Mother's Day (2/10)
11. Rings (1.5/10)
Reviews to Come...
Steve Jobs
Untraceable
The Wonder Boys
Jackie Brown
Mean Streets
Nerve
The Hateful Eight
The Seven Five
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
How to Be Single
Basquiat
Deadpool
Ratatouille
The Spectacular Now
The Visit
Loving
In Bruges
Nocturnal Animals
War Dogs
And more...
The Visit
Loving
In Bruges
Nocturnal Animals
War Dogs
And more...
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